7 months… 210 days… 5040 hours… 302400 minutes since my baby blue eyes found his way up to heaven. 7 months… such an insignificant amount of time compared to a lifetime. The same can be said for 2 years. When you look back at your life and see a 2 year time period, you may remember a couple great things that happened and a couple of bad. How can we measure the impact that one soul has on this earth? Its all time. I measure the 7 months since Curren died in heartbeats. I feel every… single… one. Not a moment goes by with out me thinking about him. Every time I go passed a baby section in a store. Every time I see his blanket wrapped around another child. See his beloved sippy cup gripped in another chubby hand. Every time a stranger goes into his room and takes a little bit of his scent away. Hearing little boy giggles at a park. Whipping around my head when I hear a call for “mama”. You moms out there know exactly what I’m talking about!
Sometimes I feel like I am doing well at keeping my emotions in check. I think about what I must look like to the outside observer. Some people have said that I look like I’m doing so well. I feel like I am. I hurt so much and cry everyday. But… I can put a smile on my face for my children’s sake! I have to live. I have to feel. I have to laugh. I have to love. I need to show my babies that we can hurt and be sad, but we need to have a balance. As much as we hurt, we have to be happy. As a mother, you love your children more than anything. Would lay your life down for them. So in some ways.. its easy to be ok. For them.
As I was thinking about this I remembered Bella & my birthdays this past year. There was a big ice storm a couple weeks before Curren died. The electricity was off for 3 days. It was so cold. Under 50 degrees in the house. I went and unpacked all the comforters in the house and dressed the kids in layers. The comforters were all piled up on each of the kids as I kissed them good night. Told them I loved them. I put Curren in multiple jammies and a footie jammie on top. then sweaters, then blankets. All I could see is his little round face peeking out while I asked him “who is mamas baby?” He would giggle and say “Meeeeeeeeee”. I could see the love, light and life reflected in his eyes from the flashlight. The shadows of his arms dancing on the wall. It is one of those series of memories that I will never, ever forget. No matter how many layers of protection you put around your child, accidents can happen. No matter how tight that bubble is, it will never be tight enough. What I am trying to say is that…you cant live your life in a perpetual state of fear. Your life will pass you by in the blink of an eye. When you use up so much of your energy on fear, you don’t have much room left to send out or receive anything else. I shut my eyes, take a deep breath and imagine seeing the particles of fear flowing from my body.
I had a message from a close friend that said “I was just remembering how when Curren had just died, Aiden did not want to come over to play. Seemed like he was glued to your side. Now you’ve helped him through the hardest time in his life, and he wants to play, and even suggested that if we had an extra burger he’d manage a double dinner tonight! It was great. I really wished we’d had an extra! You are amazing parents. You’ve helped your big guy heal so much. Please don’t ever forget it!” too hear this message made tears come to my eyes. Don’t we all, as parents, try to be there for our kids and be a sturdy enough foundation that they will grow and stand tall? so to hear this… to know that he will be ok, means the world. I worrry as a mother that this has chipped away at his armor. That his personality will have cracks that wont heal. That my children wont be whole. I am not sure that I ever understood how much we, as parents, can damage or shape our children. These little moments in time are huge for them. They watch our every move and reaction. How we show happiness, sadness and anger. There are 2 ways this can go. You can either drown in your sorrow, grief and sadness or you can turn that into happy memories, smiles and laughter. That is who I want to be. That is what I want to show my kids. That is what I work for every day. I want them to look back at me and be proud and know that I tried my hardest to support and be present for them.
Please like or share this post. I am hoping that that one parent who normally wouldn’t see this post to click here and see what I’m talking about. Anchor your furniture, parents!!!