6 Weeks

I wanted to say another thank you to everyone that has supported us through this devastating time. I cant tell you in words how much it means to me. I have been doing so much thinking lately about the stages of grief and how different people react. I have not had the anger stage yet and am wondering if I will go through it. I have had a number of messages that people have been angry at god for losing their baby. I feel so blessed to not feel that. I am not at peace that this happened, but I have an “understanding”. I do think that the one thing that has helped in this area is the fact that I know that I loved him with everything that I am, gave him tons of loves & kisses, tickled the shit out of him. I gave him the BEST of me. The BEST. I was his world. I was his favorite person on this planet. Curren & I had a bond that I will never be able to recreate or replace. I love that little boy with every fiber of my being and I know that he felt that. He is such a special little boy. Every night I step into his room and take a deep breath to smell him… every night it hits me like a brick that he is not going to be in his bed. It takes my breath away. This pain is like no other in the world. It can not be compared. I ask myself each night… How can I do this every. single. night. for the rest of my life? How can I wake each morning with a chunk of my heart missing? Will this get easier? Will I feel guilty if it does? He has been gone 6 weeks tomorrow… This past week I have felt more sadness not less. I thank god each and everyday that I have my Aiden, Bella & Hayes. Those little faces. Those little lights in my life. They are the glue that is holding my heart together.

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