It has been 6 months since my baby blue eyes has left this world. 6 Months of the highest highs and the lowest lows. I say that because… since Curren died, I have learned to enjoy the small things… Watching Aiden laugh at jokes I didn‘t know he would get, hearing Isabella sing the wrong words to song in her room at the top of her lung and seeing Hayes interact with other children and well… everyone
Seeing my children grow and learn and watching their “core” personalities emerge is such a blessing and something that I will never take for granted. I see such sadness in their eyes when they speak about Curren, but I also see extreme happiness. They love their little brother with all of their hearts and that makes me so proud.
Ihave also learned not to sweat the small stuff.. I have learned that it is ok to let the laundry go or not have the floor swept and vacuumed all the time. Children will be children for such a small amount of time. It goes by in a blink of an eye. Let your kids be…. kids. They will remember the time that you let them play in muddy puddles or finger paint their whole body… and so will you. That image will be preserved in your mind forever. Make sure that you capture images of them being… them. Their daily play time where they are stretched out on the floor lining up cars into a very organized line.
I only give this advice because regrets can be a scar that will never heal. A scar that has diminished around the edges and surface that is so jagged and raw in the middle.
As I mentioned above, I have had some lows, which is to be expected. When you lose a part of yourself, you are not whole. You are not all there. I see why they say you are not meant to bury your babies. You cant go from them being so involved in your life to BAM… nothing. No more waking up and giving hugs and kisses, no more meal times, no more making babyfood and small meals and freezing for the future. I still have some of Currens meals in the fride that I can not bear to throw out. No more filling the Sippy cup or holding hands at a store… No little boy constantly looking for you when you are at a birthday party. I still hold my hand out to grab his hand in public. I still take out 4 pairs of bread everytime I make a sandwich. Parents are meant to have years to gradually stop the daily caregiving… Not have it cut off so abruptly. I find myself in a daze sometimes thinking about all sorts of things and then think omg its quiet, what sort of trouble are the kiddies getting into? I yell for Curren and in the middle of the word I stop short.
I had a dream last night that made me so happy! I dreamed that I was holding Curren in my arms like I normally would he had his arms wrapped around me, just like he normally would. He looked in my eyes and said “Uuuuudooo mammma” (love you, Mama) and “Isssss ooooo mammma” (miss you, Mama)… I cant tell you how I felt when I woke up, it was an indescribable happiness. He came to visit me and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I can count on one hand the amount of dreams ive had about him and this one tops them all. I felt him. It was amazing. It was incredible.
The kids will be starting school soon! Bella is very excited and I think she will be happy to get back in the routine. Hayes is so excited to go back… to socialize… not to learn. And Aiden is…. not excited. I became a Jamberry consultant, which if you dont know what it is…. I will tell you all about it!!! They are nail wraps that are amazing and beautiful! www.jackiecollas.jamberrynails.net It feels really good to do something that makes you feel put together & pretty on the outside, when you feel anything but… on the inside. I am still looking for some at home computer work as an “actual” job! So if anyone needs any Payroll, A/R, Billing, Medical Research, you know where to find me! Although, I feel like a tornado has hit my life, I am looking forward to the future. I know my little boy is around me all the time and rooting for me to be happy and successful! I am determined to make every moment as best and special as I can for my kids. This summer has been amazing. I got to do some great things with the kids and am so so thankful that I was able to have this time with them.
I wanted to thank all of you for all of the support, kind words and prayers that you sent my way. Each comment and well wish was absorbed and put a smile on my face! Not sure what I would do without all of the support… Gosh, this turned out to be really long. Im sorry for the typos, but I don’t like to go back and read what I wrote or organize my thoughts. This is me, what I feel and the best way I can describe it.