27 Weeks, Stages of Grief

The Stages of Grief…

“They” say that there are 5 stages of grief.
1. Denial & Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Do I agree with this??? Well, It’s complicated. I do not think they go in a nice and tidy order like this. This is generalized. EVERYONE has to go their own route. In fact, I never went through many of them. And, I am, not in a long shot, even close to the way through this grieving process… Will I ever be done grieving? I am not sure. Is there a difference between grieving and missing? The definition of grieving is to feel suffering or distress over a loss. The definition of missing is to regret the absence of. To be honest. I feel both. Those two definitions are like looking at a white sheet of paper. So inconsequential, so flat, so…blank. I feel anything but. When I think about Curren, that paper comes alive! Almost 3d. The feelings and emotions I feel are so distinct and vivid.

So many times when I am driving by myself, I feel like I am being crushed. Crushed by the memory of holding his lifeless body in my arms. Crushed by the feeling of realizing your baby is gone, that the soul that you grew and nourished in your body will never get older. Will never go to kindergarten, learn to drive, go to college, get married or have children of their own.

When Jake walked into that tiny little consult room to tell me that he died. I felt denial. I screamed at him that he was lying. And WHY? Why was he lying to me? That night after we told the kids, I spent time in Currens room. Hysterical. I was in what I think was shock. I felt nauseous. I couldn’t feel my body, my face. I felt like I was drifting in a black cloud. I remember crying and closing my fists and squeezing so hard that I had bloody crescent moon shapes in the palms of my hands. I never felt Anger and I never Bargained for his life. Depression? Is there a difference between depression and sadness? The definition of depression is an emotional dejection or withdrawal. Sadness is sorrowful or mournful. I never felt withdrawal per say. I felt a numbness that I have never felt before. Time would pass and i wouldn’t know. Food & water, forget it. My memory was gone. If I didn’t have my phone calendar I wouldn’t have been where I needed to be. I would smile and laugh at appropriate times, but it would never show in my eyes. What were once happy & bright eyes became dull… muted. For every one that knows me, knows that I smile and have a full appreciation of life. I don’t judge… and I love people for their unique qualities. I couldn’t relate to anyone after Curren died. I had a hard time, putting myself in other shoes as I had always done before. I would find myself driving down the road thinking they were having a normal day when my baby just died. That my world just turned upside down and all these other people are just going on with their day to day obligations. How I prayed for that normal day. I hoped I would wake up, that this was just one of those horrible realistic dreams that I would wake up from. I never did. It will be a dream that I never wake up from. Finally, we have acceptance. I believe that I am in that stage now. I know Curren is gone. I know that he isn’t coming back and accept that. But, boy, do I miss my baby blue eyes.

I always thought that everyone left the physical world when they learned the lesson that they needed to learn. I am still struggling with this. I keep asking what he learned? Curren was 2. What life lessons could he have learned? The only thing I know… is that he knew love. That little boy was loved… so much.

Again, standard disclaimer applies… Sorry for typos & or grammatical errors. I do not go back and organize thoughts or edit. This is me. My heart, flowing through my fingertips.

Pic1: 2 days before Curren died
Pic 2: 2 days after Currens funeral

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