I went to visit Curren today with a friend I haven’t seen in a very long time. We cleaned off all of the dead flowers off of his grave and got to talk to him . I can’t get over the fact that my precious little boy is in the ground, buried. I know that it is only his flesh but, it just kills me to know that he is so far below the surface. That I will never see him run around the house, Hop like a kangaroo across the living room. I wont sneak up and catch him jamming cupcakes in his mouth that he just helped himself to. I wont see those big blue eyes full of laughter, that sly smile saying… “you know you aren’t mad at me because I am so damn cute” Him squiggling to get away from me while I try and wipe frosting and cupcake chunks off of him while the dog “helps” by licking his clothes. The whole time he would be hysterically laughing… and I would be laughing.
It really is hard to imagine that you can be that happy again. I know it will take time. I know that eventually I will be able to think about him without getting sad, a whole day will go by without me shedding a tear, i will ba able to shut my eyes without reliving that horrific day over and over in my mind. It will eventually happen. just not yet.