10 Weeks

I am in the final stages of ordering Currens grave stone. I have been putting this off as if it was the plague. Jake has been very insistent that I finish this project so he has something to look at when he visits his little boy. I understand that completely. I have been dragging my feet. This is the last thing that I have to do. My last step. It finalizes his death in my mind. I just did not want to do it. I feel like I cant do anything else for my baby. I cant take care of him any longer. How will I ever feel whole again. He was the one person in my life that needed me instead of anyone else. I pray every night to have a good dream of him. Instead, I have been plagued with dreams of him walking around dead. With all the broken blood vessels in his face and tinged blue. I have recurring dreams of Hayes drowning in the pool and me screaming ” I cant do this again, I cant bury another child”. For the last 4 days I have not been able to sleep. Not sure why, but something has to give. My brain cant turn off. I feel like my life has taken such a turn and I just don’t know where to go from here. My perspective has changed in so many areas. Things that were once important don’t seem like they are such a big deal right now. Where is my life going? I feel so strong that I need to educate parents on the dangers of the home. I NEVER want anyone else to go through this pain. My little boy is buried beneath this cross. His beautiful little body is there and I can never hold him physically again.

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